The Assembly passed Resolution 47-B yesterday, requiring every job applicant nationwide to complete a mandatory three-year unpaid internship before their resume can even be glanced at by a human. Officials described it as a "character-building prerequisite" designed to filter out unserious candidates, specifically those who might ask about compensation before year four.
“It’s about maturity,” explained Assembly spokesperson Theo Grant, who was simultaneously scrolling through a spreadsheet of his own personal grievances. “We found that candidates who haven’t spent 1,095 consecutive days learning the precise shade of beige that denotes ‘copier paper’ lack the grit for modern employment. Patience is the first lesson,” he added, before checking his pager for updates and confirming there is no appeals process.
The newly minted “National Pre-Employment Character Development Program” mandates that all interns report to designated cubicles at 5:45 a.m. daily, equipped with a personal thermos of weak, lukewarm tea and a laminated nametag reading "Probationary" in Comic Sans. The first year focuses exclusively on email triage—specifically, distinguishing between “Urgent,” “FYI,” and “Please ignore, sent in error by Larry from Accounting who is retiring next week.” Year two is dedicated to mastering the supply closet, including the art of fetching printer paper from the basement and discerning the subtle, soul-crushing difference between “eggshell” and “oatmeal” stationery. The final year is reserved for advanced tasks, such as quietly realigning the magnetic dots on a conference room whiteboard after every meeting.
Dr. Lena Voss, a senior researcher at the Institute for Workforce Preparation, enthusiastically endorsed the measure from her home office, which sources confirm is a converted broom closet with excellent Wi-Fi. "Three years of unpaid labor effectively weeds out the impatient and the financially dependent," she noted during a 20-minute press call, the sound of a dishwasher humming softly in the background. "It also provides crucial data on who can survive on a diet of mostly stale birthday cake from the breakroom. That's resilience you can't teach."
Local businesses have welcomed the impending influx of free, highly motivated labor. "Finally, someone to alphabetize the TPS reports by the second ‘P’ in ‘APPENDIX,’" said Greg from Midtown Widgets, pausing a mid-morning vending machine transaction for a bag of off-brand pretzels. Participating firms will receive a quarterly tax credit precisely equal to the intern's current shoe size, a system the Treasury Department called "elegantly arbitrary."
The implementation rollout begins Monday. Job centers nationwide will distribute application forms pre-stamped with an expiration date three years hence. Late arrivals, or those who fail to bring their own stapler, will be placed in a six-month observation queue to practice their waiting skills.
Critics of the program have been largely silent, as most are currently in their first year of mandatory internship, learning how to refill a water cooler without spilling.
