In a report that has left pet owners questioning both science and their bank balances, a group of behavioral researchers have recommended feeding domestic cats seven times a day to prevent what they describe as “emotional extinction” of the species.
According to the study, cats that are fed fewer than seven times daily reportedly experience “deep existential despair,” often expressed through prolonged staring, sudden sprinting at 3 a.m., and strategic vomiting near expensive furniture.
The lead researcher stated that while cats are not biologically endangered, they are “psychologically fragile creatures who perceive any empty bowl as a personal betrayal by humanity.”
The research team claims the new feeding schedule could improve feline morale, household harmony, and global happiness levels by up to 2%, though they acknowledged that most cats would likely continue acting as if they are starving regardless of feeding frequency.
Veterinarians have urged owners to interpret the findings “with emotional caution,” reminding the public that cats have historically demanded more food even immediately after eating.
At press time, multiple cats across the world were reported to be sitting next to empty bowls, staring at their owners as if they had committed a crime against nature.
